In today’s episode, we tackle the topic of victimhood.
It’s a broad topic, so we are focussing on getting to the place in your journey where you are ready to release victimhood and fully step into your power.
We will talk about how we become aware of when we are in victim mode; why we might be stuck there; and what we can do to get out of it.
Ok, let’s do this.
Candace: Hello. How are you girls?
Dani: How’s everybody doing?
Natalie: Very good thank you.
Dani: Good, good, good.
Natalie, do you have a card for us this morning?
Natalie: I do. Today we have ‘Anger as my Sacred Ally’.
Dani: Umm. Interesting.
Natalie: That’s what it says.
I respect my anger as an expression of my passion for life. As a setter of boundaries and as a protective force within me. When I use my anger wisely it is a great ally to me. A sacred gift of power. I harness the gift of my anger to liberate myself, awaken myself from self deception and show me where I have lacked courage. I listen to my anger and learn to transform it into a positive force for good. I use my anger as a healing flame to burn of that which no longer serves me, never as a destructive fire, to harm myself or others.
Candace: That’s awesome.
Dani: I love that.
Candace: Really powerful.
Dani: I’ve never, I don’t think I’ve ever heard anger described so beautifully.
Dani: And I know that it really can be a powerful tool for change in our lives, you know, and sometimes when things just get bad enough, and you just have to be very angry and then decide what you’re going to do with that. Right?
Candace: For sure.
Dani: Well, especially if you look at people like Civil Rights activists, like activists and people like that, they have, a lot of times it starts from this place of anger or indignation or like ‘I can’t believe it’s like that, and we’ve got to do something’.
Candace: Exactly. And then using it constructively.
Dani: Yes, yes. For empowerment and that’s awesome.
So today I want to talk about victim. And I want to talk about victimhood and victim mentality and the seduction and the traps of victim and maybe even kind of how to get out of it. Right?
So I think I’ll just kind of start with a very brief outline of what I see as the stages and then we’ll talk about maybe where we’ve seen ourselves as victim or something personal, in some personal way that we relate to victim.
So I’ll just tell my personal story with the background. So I really feel like I went through the first part of my life as a victim and identifying as a victim, and I didn’t have the awareness to know that’s what I was doing. So there was no separation, I just saw myself as victim.
Okay, then we go through the transformation that starts to happen is when we have an awareness that, oh, that’s victim behavior. I’m feeling like a victim here. We start to question it. Am I really a victim? Am I really? Do I have any power here, am I just being acted upon by everything else and I’m really powerless, or we start to look at it.
And in those early stages, we get a little bit of separation from victim because this is different now than ‘I am a victim’, this is ‘I have victim behaviors or I see myself in certain situations as victim’ so we start to get separated.
In these early stages it’s more common to say, well, to get mad at ourselves, and say why am I doing that? And I can see this now so why am I not doing it differently? Then at our later stages we see it as ‘life is all working for me. This is here to heal something. This is here for a reason. It’s all working perfectly. How can I incorporate that now?’.
And then finally we get to a place where we are mostly empowered. Mostly see ourselves as the creator. Mostly. And it doesn’t mean we’ll never go back and like, visit victim for a day or a moment or any of those, but it means we don’t live there anymore. We can go back for a visit and it comes around to heal, but we don’t go back there anymore. And thank goodness. I would call myself stage three slash four. You know? Like, having worked it so many times in the spiral.
So if that is bringing up anything for you guys I would love to hear it.
Candace: So, I don’t know if it’s bringing up anything, but I guess my current thoughts on it are a little bit of frustration, because I mean, there is the awareness that it is coming up to be healed and that everything is working perfectly and life is always working for us and yet, it almost feels like when that bit of victimhood creeps up again after you’ve worked through so much, it’s almost like a slap in the face. Like, ‘didn’t I work through this already? Do I really have to do this again? I really, really don’t enjoy feeling this way’.
And obviously each time it comes up, we work through it a little bit quicker and maybe realize it a little bit quicker but it’s still, there’s still for me, that piece of frustration like, ‘I don’t want to have to keep doing this, I don’t want to.’ And I guess maybe that’s the whole point is getting to like that fourth stage. And kind of existing in that place of empowerment more often. But yeah, so those were my thoughts.
Dani: What about you Natalie?
Natalie: I know like recently I had a big victimhood session where everything was going wrong, but it wasn’t anything hugely dramatic but I’m sure you guys will remember on my kids birthday I dropped her birthday cake, like I’d spent all this time making it, and dropped her cake. And then spilled coke on the carpet and all of these different things were happening, time after time, my kids were beating me up, and it was just incessant. And I was just like, ‘why me?’. And I was totally that victim thing, you know, all of these tiny things day-to-day I should have been able to shrug off, I couldn’t, because it was just like, ‘I’m being attacked, this is all at me’.
So thankfully Dani shone a light on the fact that I was doing that, that I was fully embracing my victim, and helped me kind of shift it, and I think that has helped a lot, because you know as you were talking I was thinking about, like where else have I done that?
Natalie: So I had all of these things where I could have gone into victim mode but instead I have managed to look, to stay, it’s sort of like a step removed and have the perspective to go ‘What really is this? Is this true? And if it is true, fine, okay, we’ll deal with it. If it isn’t true, what is it really?’ And then kind of break it down so I focused purposefully on what it could be that’s coming up to serve me and then taking that gift and tried to integrate it.
But I don’t claim to have gone through victimhood because then two days later it smacked me back in the face again.
Natalie: Yeah. But I can do it sometimes.
Dani: Yeah. I can totally relate to what you were both saying and I would love to be done with victimhood once and for all and I was going through a big cycle of it and I had a big episode like you did Natalie, a little after yours where I was in full breakdown mode which the two of you know of course, because you were there to lovingly see me through it, and I was literally just, I had made a huge list in my mind and I’m just checking them off, and I’m like ‘and then this happened, and then this happened and then this happened and then this happened’ and I think it was after going away from it, meditating, doing some energy clearing and cleaning on myself and then coming back to it, I think when I came back to it is the time when I started laughing when I was talking about it.
I don’t think it was in the initial conversation, it might have been but I don’t think so. I think it was after I’d gone away and then came back and then I was like, because victim is funny when you have a little perspective on it, you know. It’s really cute to hear ourselves.
But I think especially initially getting started, it can be an inter-generational thing. And it can be a lifetime to lifetime thing and so what we know is … I don’t want to go down a rabbit trail with neuroscience and the research and everything, but we do, we know that we’re not a completely clean slate when we are born. There are things that are actually imprinted on our cells that do come genetically from parents.
And more than just blue eyes or whatever are the victimhood, the martyrdom and things like that, that really are very well ingrained in us and I know this is true for me a victim is a huge part.
So one of the things that helps to dismantle victim is to see … because here’s the principle. We always do what we do for very good reasons and there is always a pay-off. We know these things for sure. So when I sat down to think about this, recording this podcast, I asked Spirit to give me some information and I actually channeled a poem, but it’s kind of long, it takes me about five minutes to read, so I’m going to read it at the end. I’ll read the whole thing.
But for now I’m going to read a chunk of it so that we can look at, because it really kind of spelled out what the pay-offs are for victim and what you have to be ready to give up if you’re going to release victim. And if you’re going to step into your power. And I know these are true for me and you know, Spirit is talking through me, so everything is going to be from my perspective, so maybe you guys have other things or maybe you have comments on these things. But here’s what Spirit said:
Give up what you know and to see more clearly. Are you willing to give up the security to receive from your waiting? Can you let go of the safety you feel from your hiding? Do you now understand the impotence that is created by your irresponsibility? Are you ready to release the love you receive from your helplessness?
Anybody else in the house? Because that’s a big one for me. I get love for being helpless and people who want to help.
Will you recognize the righteousness you feel from your martyrdom?
Natalie: Me all the way.
Candace: That one’s definitely me.
Dani: That one’s me in my marriage. Oh baby, I was a martyr baby.
Are you aware of the protection you have found in your loneliness? Can you see the detachment you gain from your apathy, for they are all lies.
That’s what Spirit said.
Candace: That’s powerful.
Dani: Is there meaning to all of those. What did you say Candace?
Candace: I said that’s powerful.
Dani: Right. And I think that it helps at some part of releasing victim to step in to power and to be at cause and be creator and co-creator of your life. You have to take a look at what you’re getting out of it because it’s a big step toward taking responsibility and also kind of breaking the illusion of it, breaking the fog of it, breaking kind of the automatic ways of seeing things, like you’re a victim instead of at cause. Like you’re not responsible versus responsible.
I don’t know. Anything else with that, you guys, before I keep going.
Natalie: I think that’s a really interesting awareness thought from being not responsible to responsible, because I think there’s some people who would be, claim to be victim to things, and would very much feel not responsible and would struggle to get to a responsible place.
Natalie: So it’s like, when you think-
Natalie: So, when you say that, my brain goes, “Is that what you want?” So this is my brain. Sorry, stick with me. Is that what you want? Do you want to claim responsibility for this thing? So is that taking your power back? Is making yourself responsible… I know it depends on the situation and everything. Is that what you want? It’s more powerless to empowered. So, how can you use the situation to make you empowered, rather than… I don’t know maybe it’s responsible. I don’t know. I think in certain situations where I felt victim, could I or would I want to get to responsible.
Dani: Yes. Good point. Go ahead, Candice
Candace: No you can finish that because now I’m trying to manage the five different directions that my brain is going. So you can address what Natalie is saying.
Dani: I recognize that it is a slippery slope, because a lot of times with responsibility we attach criticism and blame to responsibility. Right? But, this is responsibility as far as this is my part. This is part I play in creating this, and without blame and criticism
because we are all doing our best all the time.
So, there’s never really any blame, knowing that we’re all doing our best. That bad things happen. That, ideally, things would be completely different, but there’s responsibility for my part and then there’s responsibility for, “Yes. This is what happened. I need to accept it, and now what can I do.”
Natalie: Yeah, so maybe kind of responsibility for healing it. So you can look at your role for healing it, rather than saying, “This happened to me, and know this happened to me, and that’s it.” You can then take responsibility for what you’re going to do with that going forward as well so that’s maybe an element where responsibility is more positive, but yeah I agree. It’s just that word does have that negative connotation where it’s like-
Candace: Someone needs to be at fault.
Natalie: Yeah. If I’m taking responsibility for it, I’m taking the fault. I’m taking the blame for whatever it is.
Dani: Right. And the idea for me is that there is no fault ever. Which is hard for them.
Dani: But there’s no fault ever. There’s no blame ever.
Candace: Right. We’re all just creating the experiences that we need to learn whatever it is that we need to learn at that time, and maybe that’s a piece of the responsibility also. Just the awareness. The awareness of, “This is what I need to be learning, integrating, experiencing right now so that I can get to this next big thing.” I’m having a hard time articulating this, but, it’s like taking responsibility for your reaction, or how you interpret it or you internalize it, and how you use it.
So, my dog ran away, and it can be poor me, or it can be me, “Wow. My dog ran away, and it got hit by a car, and it was the worst thing ever, but now I’m going to advocate for electric fences.” You know, something, but it’s a totally different mentality. “Wow this is really terrible, but here’s what I’m going to do with it.” Some responsibility there.
Natalie: Yeah, it doesn’t have to take away from the pain or what happened. That change in how you deal with doesn’t force you to not actually feel all the feelings you’re gonna feel. You’re allowed to feel the victim, but it’s just using that anger to heal something. Using it to move you forward.
Dani: Yeah. I love that, and I got, the protection you found in your loneliness, for me this is pretty much shutting people out at a certain level. Like not letting people get too close, and then number one, you’re victim because you’re lonely. You tell yourself, “poor me.” And the second thing is that loneliness, though, is your protection against being hurt.
Dani: A lot of this for me was about hiding and being in the shadows and not taking responsibility, meaning not being at cause. Not stepping up and saying, because I think a lot of times I think in victim-hood we don’t get to be the ones to say, “This is what I want. This is where I’m going.” Those kinds of things, and just step up and take responsibility for that too. For, “What do we want to create? Who am I going to be?”
That whole thing for me really. So its like, “Are you waiting to someone to show you? Are you waiting on someone to hand you this opportunity?” What role are you taking in stepping out of victim and creating something different from that.
Candace: Love it.
Natalie: Yeah. I saw a really interesting video this week that someone posted about forgiveness, and it was saying that, “forgiving isn’t weak, it’s actually pretty badass,” were the words that she used because it’s literally like when something happens to you that you feel like you need to forgive, it’s like chains that then lead to those things, and you forgiving is cutting that chain and taking that power back. Not allowing that power to keep going away from you and actually reclaim that power and take it back.
So, I love that because I just feel that kind of fits in with this so it’s just like not allowing all of these things to keep draining your power. Just cut that chain, take it back, and there’s so much strength in that it’s not an easy thing to do, but, it’s pretty badass.
Dani: Love, love that as the badass thing. That’s so perfect. Okay awesome. So, where do we go from here. So, then, as we keep separating and moving away from victim, then, our awareness, we get a little more detached from it. We have a little more awareness around when it’s coming up, and we can look at it and say, “Oh. I’m in victim” And I think one of the easiest ways I can tell if I’m in victim is when I’m ever feeling like it shouldn’t be this way.
Candace: Yes. “It was supposed to be different!” Or asking why. That’s another. “Why? Why did this happen? Why do I have to do it like this?
Dani: I love that, and you can be a victim to traffic. You can be a victim to life. You can be a victim to something that you’re doing. You’re like, “Ah. Why don’t I know better by now?!” Or whatever, right? And so I think for the second part of that journey of coming out of victim, we’ve recognized all our payoffs and thing like that, and we’ve kind of dealt with those, and we’re moving away from victim.
And the next thing is really to number one get excited about where we wanna go in creation and things that call us forward to be more powerful, and the other thing is acceptance of the present moment at a completely new level. A completely new level where you don’t see, “This should be happening.” Instead, you’re like, “Okay. Look at me I’m saying to myself ‘this should be happening’ so what’s really happening here? Well I’m going into victim. This present moment right now is happening anyway so can I accept it?”
And then, from that point, you might actually get inspired action of what to do about it, or whatever, but not until you have that moment of acceptance. Not until you have that moment of, “This is life.” One of those phrases I love and hate is “it is what it is.” In this moment, it is what it is, and from that place, where you really are in acceptance, then you can move out of it.
Candace: For sure. For sure, and that totally plays off one of our other recent episodes of living in the present moment, and, so, I kinda see what you’re saying now and what we were saying the other day kind of playing off of each other, and, so, if you are living in the present moment, it’s pretty hard to be a victim.
Dani: It’s true. And that’s one of the things I love is all the interplay and all of the things that really tie in, in forgiveness. All of it works together so beautifully.
Candace: For sure.
Dani: Natalie, you look deep in thought over there.
Natalie: No, it just reminded me of this thing that I read earlier today. So, I had a book on the thing, so I was just trying to see if I could find it quickly, and, hilariously, I opened it at the right thing as you were talking. So, I’m just trying to see if I could say… there wasn’t two parts to it so… it’s from the book called ‘Seven Planes of Existence,’ and it’s a poem that she writes right at the very beginning, and it’s talking about life.
I’ll read you some of it, and then you can, whatever. Okay so, “As the maelstrom of life besets me, I kneel my head then. From every direction. From within. From without. I’m besieged by darkness. Flooded with dark emotions. I feel the suffering of fear, doubt, and despair. I feel the frustration of limitations. I feel desire and love. Melancholy and elation. I feel fleeting joy, and it is gone. The realization awakens of the intense anguish of mortality of the life that I am, so brief and fleeting, and of all that would extinguish my soul. From inside comes the thunder of defiance, reverberating through my soul. The power builds, and it becomes self-aware, resolute against all the forces that would assail me. Against all of the vicissitudes of evil within and outside me. In the heart of desolation. Within the blackness that would consume me. I awaken and kindle the light within.”
And then the next part says, “In the agony of life, I learn acceptance. I surrender completely, and look up from my knees. I rise to my feet, breaking the chains of fear with the pure energy of thought. An explosion of blue light dissolves the invisible fetters, for I fear death no more, and beginning from within, I become the microcosm.”
But yeah, it’s that, “gathering the power about me from the magic that is pure. I roar as the power builds against time, against death, against fear, against despair, making them all an illusion.” I just read this this morning, and now I’m like, “Ah! Now I know why I picked up this book and read it!”
It’s just all about the now and all of your things, being the fear and the coulds, shoulds, woulds, expectations that we have of ourselves and other people, which is what leads to that feeling of victim-hood because we expect to be treated a different way or we expected to do something differently than we did.
Candace: I think that that is the key. Expectations is 95 percent of victim-hood, maybe more.
Natalie: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Dani: Okay, that’s not even sinking into my brain. I don’t even know what to say about that.
Candace: About expectations or the poem?
Candace: So, if we expect things to be a certain way, it comes back to what you were saying about how something should be. So, the expectation that someone is going to treat us a certain way. The expectation that life is going to be roses. The expectation that your spouse is gonna come home and cook dinner and do the dishes and run a bath for you. They all play into the victim-hood because when people, or even ourselves, don’t meet the expectation, that’s where we become a victim. “Why not? Why me? Why couldn’t they?”
Dani: If they really loved…
Candace: Why couldn’t they? Yeah.
Dani: If they really loved me, they would.
Candace: I’d do it for them and that’s where the martyr comes in. I sacrificed so much and I can’t even get a hot dinner.
Dani: Oh, girl, you are preaching to the choir there. I’ve been a martyr for so long. I did it so well and I do. You guys are like, “Yeah, we got a glimpse of it.” Yeah, about 10 days ago on that meltdown.
Dani: So, I feel like to get us all the way out of victimhood, to get us even more completely out of victimhood is really about realizing you get to create your life, realizing that you are at cause, realizing that you can set a direction, set a vision, set a course, and go for it, and then watch as victimhood and lack and limitation and fear and insecurity and all of the things that would block you from it, all of the things that you don’t need as a person who is living that life that you see you can create, all that stuff will come up to be healed.
So, victim comes around again and again. Sometimes on a Tuesday and then again on Wednesday and then 12 times on Thursday so that it comes up to be healed and that we respect all our feelings. We’re willing to feel all our feelings, feel it, and then accept it. Then what are we going to do with it? I really feel like that is maybe even a good place to conclude is you start to recognize yourself as a victim, get a little separation, you realize you’re not a victim, but you’re playing that way sometimes.
Then you work through, you keep working through and then you’re at this point where you really are going after this life that you love and that you totally see is possible. More importantly than that even, the life is kind of a byproduct. It’s really being that person you’re meant to be. Being that person who you came here to be and getting tired of your own excuses and tired of victim enough to really be so motivated to do different things. Then when you really are on that quest of really doing it and living it everyday, that’s when everything comes up to be healed.
Natalie: How’d you get from that place, though? So, how’d you go from victim to non-victim? Is it just the reframe? Is it just like, “How is this serving me?” Is it just the more present moment? So, just in case, if you’re a victim right now, what process would you go to to try and shift out of it?
Dani: I really think it depends on what stage you’re at. So, we started really early with anytime you get a little separation and if you’re hearing this and you’re listening, you’ve already got a little separation or otherwise you wouldn’t be hearing, you wouldn’t be tuned it. You wouldn’t be listening at all if you really thought you were a victim in your life and always and didn’t ever have any separation. So, I think it just starts by noticing and noticing and then taking responsibility for the payoffs that you get and your part in it, whatever that is, and not judging yourself, but keeping going.
Then your awareness just naturally expands and then you start setting those more and more goals and visions and future. Then you get to recognize it and work on it every time it comes up, which is when, then at that point, when it comes up, it is, I think, a reframe. It is a, “If this is all happening for me, what is the lesson? What is the benefit,” and taking it from there, which is just a very empowered way to live your life and address the thoughts in your head and everything. What do you guys think?
Candace: I agree. But I also think that it’s important to have people around you that you can talk to. So, rather than having people around you that you can go and just complain and bitch and whine with, you need people around you that can support you and have a loving conversation. So, if you come to the conversation and you’re like, “Why me? Poor me. Everything’s happening to me,” someone can be there to try and lift you back out because if you surround yourself with people who are just going to commiserate with you, you’re going to stay there. So, that’s what I would say that I think is important.
Dani: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Natalie: That’s so true. Often on the outside, you’re more able to see what’s going on, so they’ll have that different perspective that you might not be able to see for yourself, like the reality of the situation, because you’re too deep in it. So, having someone just to shine a light on the things that you can’t see.
Dani: Mm-hmm (affirmative). I think that’s so true. That’s such a good point, Candace, though, because so many of us though, the people around us are more likely to be from our past mindset, from our past ways of being. So, you really do have to seek out people, mentor a group, closer friends who have this kind of high vibe. I know even, we have the membership group or have a membership group you guys are in, but there are lots of them online or I even see people even online like, “I need more high vibe friends. What do you guys say?” Things like that.
But being conscious about bringing those people into your life because it’s hard and you don’t want to be the most heightened consciousness in your little circle. You want someone who’s always … You always want people who have stuff to teach you and who are further along the path than you are that you can share and lift each other and give you something for that evidence too that, yeah, this is possible. They came through it and look at what they’re doing and how empowering that is?
Just because we know that what we believe is so important. If we have people around us who are actually doing what we think we want to do or have come through what we want to go through and what we want to hope we can get to the other side of, it’s so empowering to be with them and just have that belief, “Well, I know it can be done or I know it’s possible,” helps so much.
Dani: All right, cool. Okay, cool. So, should I read the poem? Should we-
Candace: Yes, please.
Dani: Should I do that? Okay. Okay. I’m going to read it and this might be ugly. Let me just see. It’s up on my screen. Here I go. Victim. Victimhood is a cloak I wear to keep myself safe and hidden like a child cowering in the shadows. Surely, someone will come along to save me. My parents will definitely save me. That’s their job, right? If they really loved me, they definitely would. No? Well, my lover, then. My work? My guru? My God. Surely, you have not forsaken me.
Never, child. We love you so much, so much that we will wait for you to save yourself. No one else, not even me, can do it for you and you already know this, but still you wait for someone to come, for something to change. Take all the time you need. When you are ready, you will stop waiting. When you are ready, you will come out of the corner. When you are ready, you will shed the cloak of victimhood, for it will be too heavy to bear. That is when you’ll know it’s time.
Until then, we will tell you this. Open your eyes and glimpse your true power. If you could, you would never again ask me or anyone else to do what you alone can do. Why would I rob you of the chance to receive the riches that wait for you on the other side of this valley that is victimhood? You think the valley’s a desolate place. No, it is actually rich and luscious. Miraculous wonders await. They await not because they’re in the future. They await for you to claim them right now. Your power is not someday. Your power is now.
Leaving victim is not a process. It is a moment. It is a willingness to give up what you know and to see more clearly. Are you willing to give up the security you receive from your waiting? Can you let go of the safety you feel from your hiding? Do you now understand the impotence that is created by your irresponsibility? Are you ready to release the love you receive from your helplessness? Will you recognize the righteousness you feel from your martyrdom?
Are you aware of the protection you have found in your loneliness? Can you see the detachment you gained from your apathy? For they’re all lies. They’re all illusions, but they’ve been so well practiced, handed down generation after generation, life after life that you don’t know it’s an illusion. It all seems so real, and while that is the case, nothing else is possible. The truth is you are already saved. The truth is you are already safe.
Once upon a time, the illusion of victimhood served you well. But that was then and this is now. Victim no longer resonates or captivates. You have grown weary of your own excuses. You see through your own complaints. Victimhood is the excuse you no longer need or even want. It’s time to step forward. You have already been saved. Said more clearly, you only needed to understand you never needed to be saved. This is your permission, the line in the sand. This is your rebirth. There’s no going back.
We see who you are. We have always seen you. The difference is now you see it too. There is no going back. Okay, yes, you’ll go back and you will visit from time to time, but you will never live there again. The illusion, the spell, the fog has dissipated. It has been transmuted back to the all that is. You are no longer shrouded or connected to these concepts that kept you so still so stagnant, so stuck, so sorry for yourself. You are now free to see your own magnificence and your power and your possibility and you will no longer be willing to settle for hiding and waiting and wishing any longer. Now it is our turn to wait to see what you will create.
Natalie: Wow. Goosebumps galore.
Candace: It’s amazing.
Dani: I really like that poem. It’s a little long, but it’s a goodie.
Candace: It’s a little long, but it’s so worth it. There’s so much in that. So much in that.
Dani: So, for those who are listening, we’ll put it on the website in the-
Natalie: Conversations with Spirit.
Dani: With Spirit tab. We’ll put it in there, but it’s called Victim. Okay, great. Anything else, you guys, before we close up for today?
Candace: I don’t think so. That was awesome.
Dani: Yeah. This was great. Thank you so much. I love you both.
Natalie: Thank you, Dani.
Candace: Alright, bye. Girls.