In today’s episode we talk about feeling all of our feelings. We have a tendency to push away what we perceive to be negative feelings but in fact, if we would actually allow all our feelings to come up, be felt, and be healed, we would be better off in the long run. We also touch on emotional triggers and how to notice when we’re being triggered, and even what to do about it. We really hope you enjoy the episode and thanks for listening.
Dani: Hi ladies, how’s everybody doing today?
Natalie: Very well. How are you?
Dani: So happy to see you. Yeah, I’m doing good. Doing good. Doing good. Doing well, doing good. You ever do those little grammar things in your head where you say, because doing well sounds better, but it’s actually doing good. Is proper anyway.
Candace: Good is proper?
Dani: Yes. Yes.
Natalie: What did I say? Did I say well no, I, I don’t know, but I think I said well, now you’re going to have me questioning everything.
Dani: Good. We’ll have to google it after, but I believe so. Yes. So since we’re not talking about grammar today on the podcast, but you know, me, I try to get us to go down as many rabbit trails as possible. What we are going to talk about today ladies, what I really want to talk about today is feelings and feeling all our feelings and not, maybe just looking through how we’re feeling and what we’re feeling through a little bit different lens that lets us be a little more accepting and a little less judgmental of kind of in air quotes, bad feelings and good feelings and all that. And let’s see more of the value in all of them. And in having this full spectrum and then in a little more detail like what happens when we don’t feel things or when things get kind of stuck or when we get triggered. Some of those other things that can happen when we do hold on to feelings and get them trapped in our body. And then, you know, other things happen. What happens when we don’t allow ourselves to just feel whatever’s coming up in the moment and how that can kind of affect us and kind of what we can do about it. And deal with it in more of the healthy and kind of productive way so we don’t have to be quite so miserable and take it down the rabbit hole. Because you know how that goes. It’s like with feelings is we get into a cycle and then we start to build momentum and then our brain goes on and then we build more and more and then before you know it, it’s really full blown when, if we had been more willing to kind of let it flow through and, and feel it when it was smaller, it might have just taken a different turn. Sound good to everybody? Okay. Awesome. So, for my personal history a little bit.
Candace: Wait, wait, before you start, Natalie has not done her card yet.
Dani: Natalie has a card pull! Thank you so much, Candace. Thank you. Yes. Natalie, please share.
Natalie: Well it’s good to share it because it’s so relevant to what we’re talking about today. So today’s card is inner guidance system. And it says my best answers all come from the calm radiant space within me, my inner guidance system. The more I live according to this inner compass, the less concerned I am about what others think and the more at peace I am with my choices. I get better at following my inner guidance and my choices improve over time. I’m excited to know that there is a reliable guidance system within me, my own feelings and intuition, and I rely on it every day. Both positive and negative feelings are information from my inner guidance system, helping to steer me in the right direction. Through these guided choices, I am powerfully shaping my own destiny and expressing my purpose and individuality. I am grateful for my loving and wise inner guidance system.
Dani: Oh my Gosh
Candace: I don’t know how week after week it can just be the exact topic / message.
Natalie: I know I got it. I was like, oh my gosh, how perfect.
Dani: Back when I was like a muggle and not understanding a lot of energetic thing. I would…. Sorry. You know, the kids are, we’re very into Harry Potter and that’s just like the thing, but I really think about and as I go through, from more of kind of a practical, logical kind of life coach hat and personality and everything into more of the spiritual and more of the understanding of just different energies and things we can’t see. But that are true. It helps me in my mind not to separate people like muggles and magical people, but really to understand that people are just seeing things differently and that to try to understand a magical concept to someone who is very attached to…
Candace: Cerebral?
Dani: Yeah, cerebral. Using their intellect, relying on their intellect alone or primarily and only interested in those things they can see and feel and touch. Maybe not feel but see and touch. It’s a big, you know, kind of with helps me understand like if someone doesn’t understand or is maybe judging me or something else, it’s like, oh, they’re just in that different realm and it just doesn’t make sense. But anyway, there I go again, trying to take us off course. I love that card, but when in my muggle days I would have looked at that and thought, okay, so our topic for today is feeling the feelings and someone went through a deck of cards and tried to find something that said, feeling all your feelings is great, you know, and it just, it does amaze me and you just can’t. There’s so many things where you just can’t say, oh, it’s all a chance, or oh, all, there’s nothing bigger at work there. It’s just luck or coincidence or whatever. It just cracks me up. But I do, I love your card every time and I almost just like breezed over it. I just can’t believe that it’s so, so amazing. And it’s so true that that inner guidance is so there and so we’ll tie that together with feelings because if we aren’t validating our own feelings and we don’t get to that inner guidance because we’re always just kind of shutting down or I don’t have a right to feel that way.
So if I don’t have a right to feel the anger or the sadness or whatever, then the joy, it’s the same way the joy gets shut down too. Like when you damper some you damper at all. So I know when I grew up and maybe we can even just talk about a little bit about how it was when, when we were growing up without sharing anything you don’t want to share just about expressing feelings or even, you know, we all have children. So even teaching them about expressing feelings. Like my kids know they will even kind of mock and tell me, I know whatever I’m feeling is okay. They’ve heard me say it so many times, like whatever you’re feeling, you have a right to feel. Even if it’s anger at your mother, even if it’s, you know, whatever, even if it’s politically incorrect, even if it’s like whatever it is, you have a right to feel it. Now we can talk about how it’s okay to express in different situations and stuff and everything, but they know it’s ingrained in them. They have a right to feel everything that they’re feeling. And I think for me because, because it wasn’t, but you know, we’re growing up in an interesting time. I mean our parents and their parents, they were in survival mode. They’re about like living this life and getting through it and doing the best they can and you know, they didn’t have all the self help in psychology and understanding and growing and everything that’s really taken over and that we have available to us.
And so with that, I just, at a very early age, I was probably kind of empathic, but I really turned it off and turned inside and really decided that my role was to make it okay for everybody else. So what that did to my feelings was.. I didn’t have a right to feel any of them, none of them count because what’s really important is what do I need to feel or what do I need to do to make that person feel okay or to keep the boat kind of even and so I grew up with that and then I married someone who kept that environment the same where I needed to make sure that he felt okay and my job was to make sure that I was whatever he needed to, I felt like, make him okay. Right. So then, then it takes you to a certain point and then you’re like, okay, I can’t do this anymore. So then it’s like therapy, counseling, self help. So the trail starts, but it has, the pain has to get so bad that you’re just like, okay, you know, what, you know, the explosion or whatever. But there is a book that really helped me because since I spent my whole childhood twenties and a lot of my thirties invalidating my feelings and not being in touch with my feelings at all and being one of those like walking around intellects because I always, I had a lot of low self esteem and stuff growing up, but I always thought, well, I’m smart. I can get good grades. So I did rely very heavily on my intellect and I would just think my way through things and not feel my way through things at all.
And when we are going to intuition, tying back to the card, it’s the feelings that guide you. It’s not your brain that will take you to where guidance and your inner guidance, divine guidance life is trying to take you. It’s not your brain that’s going to take you there. It’s your intuition and your feelings. So, I wanted to begin to explore. I didn’t even know I didn’t even have a language for. I didn’t even understand how to really feel my feelings. And one of the books that really helped me is by Panache Dessai, Discovering Your Soul Signature. So he does takes you through, like for anybody who really just feels like, I don’t know, I’m kind of numb. I’m not sure what I’m feeling a lot of the time or, or someone asks you an opinion about that and you’re just like, no, no, no, I don’t know if I have, which would have been whatever. So, it just kind of takes you through and like it starts with like fear and sadness and like has this homework where you actually feel it and you pull it up in your body and stuff and it’s like, oh my gosh. And then he talks about each one and how beneficial and how useful it can be. And it really opened my eyes. And so now I have really blathered on. So I want to hear from you guys about your experiences early on of being okay to feel your feelings and maybe with your kids about, you know, how it’s okay for them to feel their feelings or how we traditionally kind of try to box kids in a little bit and wanting them to behave or things like that. Anything that come up.
Candace: Okay. First off, that book sounds really interesting. It seems like a really cathartic kind of process to go through and actually feel each of the feelings, because I’m sure as you’re doing it, there’s experiences behind getting to that place. Right? Yeah. That’s interesting. I’m going to check out that book. In terms of me growing up and what I was told about feelings. I mean the main thing that comes to mind is the “stop crying or I’m going to give you something to cry about”.
Dani: I had that one ha!
Candace: I heard that one frequently. I was a very sensitive and emotional child. I was also a little bit spoiled, so I may have cried a lot when I didn’t get my own way. I don’t know, like I’m sitting here trying to piece together how that affects me now and I might need a few more minutes to see if that still plays out in my life. I mean, obviously it was impactful because I still do it and I swore I would never do it to my daughter and I haven’t. My daughter hears a lot because my daughter is also a sensitive and emotional child and a little bit spoiled and so there’s frequent tears, but she likes to get really dramatic with her crying and she starts wailing at the top of her lungs. So frequently coming out of my mouth is, it’s okay to cry, but you need to do it a little more quietly. I know that you’re sad right now but you can’t wail, so whether that’s right or wrong, but that comes out of my mouth a lot. I’m not sure if in 20 years she’s going to be like, “Yeah, you know what my mom said to me…”
Dani: That’s so funny. I tell my kids all the time, yes, you’ll need therapy, but you’ll need less than I did. That’s all I can do.
Natalie: Yeah. So when I was growing up I did. I don’t remember like anything specific like being not, not allowed to like express my emotions, but I know that I, I grew up in an area of England that is well known for like sucking it up and getting on with it. So it was kind of just inherently part of the people. Whether I inherited, I mean, you’d have to ask my mom whether I inherited that, like genetical, locational strength, I don’t know, but, you know, I cry a lot. I’m a crybaby and I’ve always, I’ve always been that way. So who knows as a kid, but I don’t remember having to suppress them, but I know that you hear it all the time and actually you talking Dani about how um, the intellect is not what’s gonna get you where you’re going to go. It made me think about schools and how like the school’s focus is, you know, 95 percent on intellect and less about actually connecting people with their feelings and allowing people to feel feelings about conformity. It’s about, you know, it will be the intelligence, the obedience. Yeah. Um, so that’s really interesting when you think about that and this, the power that is in feelings and how really schools don’t tend to nurture that. And so you’ve got the parents who are “stop crying, be brave” rather than fearful, you know, you’re not allowed to be scared and allowed to be weak, We cannot be allowed to cry, you know, allowed to feel sad, you know, Chin up, get over it, those kind of things which, which you hear, and it just kind of like normal and then you went to school and it’s the same kind of aspect.
So when you get into an adult life, like you’re really taught to suppress all of those emotions and you don’t really allow yourself to feel. So it’s like, it’s not necessarily a conscious thing, but it’s just something that’s learned as you grow up. And so it becomes less important. So I thought that was really interesting. And then you know, when you’re talking about the book and how you and going and feeling sadness or whatever and that, and that can be somewhere in the body. Like you can feel that actually somewhere in the body and that’s either because you hold the emotion in the body so it can help attune you to when you feel sad, like you’ll feel it here. And this is how it feels. So you can determine whether it’s sadness, whether it’s anger, whether it’s, you know, frustration, all the different emotions that you might not really sure, like what is it that this really is by feeling into the body you can maybe establish, but also it tells you how much you hold within. And if you don’t allow that feeling to be felt it has no escape, it cannot release.
And so your body is just this compressed being with all of these pent up feelings and emotions that haven’t been able to be released. And I know that you’re like, I do Reiki and that’s a lot about releasing and balancing everything. And so when you do that, you know, that’s shifting stuff that is being held within and feelings is a big part of that. Um, and so knowing everything that I know now, doing things like Reiki and just understanding like even when I worked with you at first Dani and we had um, one of our first calls, like I was a bit upset about something that was going on and I can remember you really just encouraging me to feel it. Like before I’d be like trying to explain it and it’d be like quashing the tears is and not allowing them to come out because I’ve got to have this conversation. They can’t be seen to be weak and like holding it all in and then you just really encouraged me to go there and I would just wailed on the call. But then it was amazing how doing that, I felt the release during that I was unable to actually have a conversation rather than like, you know, like breaking my way through it, trying to get the odd word in here and there. And um, so it made me feel so much better. So you were the one who first really truly made me think about it on that level.
And then um, and so now like with my kids, I’m exactly the same in the sense of like I, I named feeling so when the, you know, throwing things, I’m like, it’s okay to be angry. I am, I know that you’re angry, a lot. Knowledge it, I’ll acknowledge the feeling so I’m not like, just stop, you know, stop, behave, sit down, be quiet, shut up. It’s more like, I understand that you’re frustrated, I know that you’re angry with me, I know that you’re upset with me, I know that I’m upset you and I’m sorry that I’ve upset you, but you know, whatever. So I like give them the name of the feeling and I allow it. I don’t make them stop feeling that my daughter today had like a huge, huge paddy, like one of the things thing she’s ever done, but I’m just okay, just do it and let her because she needed to. And it doesn’t help to make me quieten her down and make her wrong for it because she isn’t wrong for it. She’s two and she doesn’t, she’s not mature enough to handle these emotions in a, in an adult way. And then when I even say that, like, what is the adult way, uh, we then, you know, against the first thing is, I don’t know. Anyway, that was just my experience.
Dani: That’s beautiful. So we’ve all done our work to kind of be in that where we know feeling feelings is okay and we’re not gonna try to squash it. So once you’ve done that work, then you can allow it in your children. But if you haven’t done it yourself, you can’t allow it in your children. It’s one of those, one of these things with like growth and evolution, and transformation. It’s, it’s the oxygen mask in the airplane. You have to do it for yourself first, loving yourself, teaching your kids to love themselves. Like I can’t teach my daughter to love herself if every time I look in the mirror I’m like, oh my God, I look so this or I look so that and cut myself down. You know, we have to give it to ourselves first. And then again there’s Dani going on a tangent, but that’s worthwhile. So thank you Natalie for bringing us so beautifully to the point where we can talk about what happens when feelings do come up and, and if we understand that feelings just they come up for a reason. They come up because of who we are and our experiences and things like that.
The thing that trips us up is when we try to resist, deny, push away feelings, cause then a few other things can happen. If we’re willing to feel the feeling…. So like for example, the next time that a big feeling comes up and you know, these big feelings, like we have little feelings all the time, it’s traffic or the kids irritating or somebody left the dishes undone or spilled something on the floor and he walked through it in your socks or whatever that is. Those little things come up. But talking about like those bigger things where just like you feel like you might need a cry or you’re just really frustrated or you need to yell at somebody or something and you, you have big feelings come up. Here’s the, I’m going to give you a brief kind of walk through of what to do in that situation. Right? And Candace and Natalie both been through this, right? We’ve been through this together, but I want to give the people who are listening, just a, just a brief kind of um, excuse me, uh, a brief kind of walk through of what to do. So what typically happens when an emotion comes in is we have some sort of numbing or pushing away or resisting that comes up.
So for different people that can look like different things, it can be some kind of avoidance tactic or numbing tactic or something like that. But if we allow ourselves to feel it, so what happens a lot of times is our brain gets going. So we have a thought and then we have an emotion and the emotion starts to get bigger because our brain is going, yeah. And then and oh yeah. And then an oh yeah. And then there was this other time where, Oh yeah. And then this makes me upset, right? So our brain just gets started. Oh, she had the nerve to do that. And then did see this and she was all blah.
Candace: Do you remember when she did x, Y, and z 10 years ago?
Dani: I remember it like it was yesterday. And she never apologized either. All of it. Our brain gets going. So here’s what we do when we’re on that merry go round in, our brain is going, we flipped this little switch and we close our eyes and we’d go into the body and then we turn our attention not on the next thought. The next thing that she did, which was even 12 years ago, going further and further back to pull things, but we turn a switch and we turn the attention of our mind into the body and we say, where is this located in my body? And immediately if you haven’t already, you’re going to feel it and it’s going to be something. It’s going to be a heaviness in the chest. It’s going to be feel like an iron brace around the back of your neck. It’s going to feel like something and it’s going to have a feeling. It may have a texture, it may have a color. It may even have a name, but you’re going to be able to feel it in body. It could be like, oh, I’m nauseous. So what you do is where is this in the body and if you need to and you can’t get there, you start with the toes and you just kind of scan the body. And I’m like, okay, well what’s going on in my body right now? And you get to it and now the mind has stopped from the up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up that was going off and down that direction. And you’re really focused. You’re feeling that feeling and you’re really focused on where it is in the body. And then you keep your mind’s attention on the sensation in the body.
And, and one of a couple of things are gonna happen. That feeling might expand at first because you’re like, oh, I’m allowing myself to feel it. And spirit goes, you’re allowing yourself to feel it. Okay, well here you go. And it’s a little bigger or it gets a little bolder. And then what you’ll find it might move. Sometimes it’ll be in the chest, it’ll move to the throat, sometimes it’ll move. But over time. And when I say time, I’m literally talking about even a couple of minutes, it starts to dissipate. It starts to melt away. It starts to kind of be released like magically. But, but our goal isn’t like, okay, I’m going to release this, so I’m going to release this emotion. I’m going to go to the body and no, it’s just like, it magically happens if you will focus on that sensation in the body and I swear and then you stay with it a couple of minutes and sometimes it’ll go away completely. And then you know, you’re done. Other times you’re like, you get to a point after you’ve tried this a few times where you’re like, okay, this is going to be more than just today, I’ve done good for today. Like talk to it like I know you’re still in there and I want you to come up and be felt and I want you to be safe and I am ready to feel you. And maybe that’s enough for today and we’ll come back. I promise we’ll come back. So any thoughts on kind of come up for you guys during that or if you’ve used it or anything else for me?
Candace: The first experience with that was with you also Dani. So, um, I think that we were like a few sessions in and you said, you know, let’s go in and feel this in the body. And I was like, what, what do you mean? Because my entire life, nobody had ever said anything like that. I hadn’t heard anything like that. Now that my awareness is open to it, I’ve seen it and heard it a lot more. But then you were the very first person to introduce me to it. And it was, yeah, it was healing, but it was also really hard, um, to kind of. And it wasn’t hard to like physically do it or, or mentally do it to feel it in my body and then sit with it, but to not do anything like to just be there with it and not be willing to go away or trying to force it out of my body, like to just sit there with it was probably the hardest part. But as I did, I mean it was, it felt like a mountain in my chest and as I did and I just sat there with it. I mean I got incredibly emotional. I was crying like a baby and I mean, like you were saying it was too big to release all of it in that moment. I knew that it wasn’t gone. I knew that I’d be able to come back to it, but it went from being like literally it felt like a giant mountain that was just taking up all of my torso. Um, and when it was done, it felt more like a rock, you know, that I could come back to you and deal with later. Um, it was, I feel, life changing for me.
That moment, that release allowed me maybe the space within my own energy to really accept love back in again because I was in a very, don’t you dare Dani, you’re gonna make me cry. I was in a really sort of angry and bitter place. There was a lot going on in my life and there was, there was no space to let love in. There was no space to feel those feelings and feel the good stuff. And that one exercise really opened it up to allow me to let all of that stuff in. And really, I mean, my life has drastically changed since then, you know, pretty much every possible way that it could have changed. It has, and I really attribute it to that first, that first experience of, of really feeling my feelings and going into the body.
Dani: Yeah. It’s an amazing thing if you haven’t done it. And I know, you know, I do sessions a lot and a lot of times as soon as I’m finished with a session, I forget every, almost everything that happened in the session, I remember that session with you like a moment for moment. And I remember the feeling of it. Like I remember everything about that session and I almost never remember sessions just breeze in and breeze out and be like, you know, I take notes because otherwise I’m like, okay, what the hell did we talk about last week? I have no idea. But um, but yeah, it’s really powerful. And, and I also think that it kind of works even if even if you’ve never sat down and were like consciously, like I’m going through all these steps again, it’s kind of with you and you kind of know it and kind of use it intuitively and kind of just know that your feelings are okay and that you can like it. It shifts things on more than just that level of, okay, this is an exercise they need to repeat every single day and I’ll do it before I get going in the morning and then I’ll do it at night or whatever that is, that, that’s that practice or whatever, that it really can change us. I’m just in the moment and forever based on just a new awareness of that that’s possible or that it’s not going to kill me. Oh, look at that seems really bad and I am still here and I feel a little bit better. Holy Shit.
Candace: For sure. Absolutely.
Natalie: That was amazing when you did it for me. And um, I think, I think it was you who told me about the light, the feelings flowing through thing. I, I feel like that was you, but like now whenever I feel something and it’s like my brain wants to one, make it worse or two like keep it inside for whatever reason. I just imagine it literally like knowing that if I, if I allow this is just going to come and go. Like, so the law, the more I resisted, the longer it’ll stay, that sadness is going to stay in my heart and I don’t want it there, so I’m going to let it go. So it’s like, it’s one of those things that I do. And another thing like I’m someone else was, I think I mentioned it on another podcast so I won’t go into in depth, but it’s based on a concept I’ve also heard about to do with grief where they say that if you experience grief that, you know, there’s this, uh, there’s like a meme or something I’ve seen on facebook or video and it said there’s a circle. It’s like this big people think the overtime that cycles shrink. But what happens is not that it’s that circle of grief within you stays the same. It will always be there because, you know, grief is one of those feelings that, you know, can you let it go?
I don’t know, that’s maybe another day, but um, we like what happens is you expand. So like as you, you know, move forward, and release, it doesn’t go away, but you expand so that it holds less of a space in you. And so that’s one of a practice that I’ve done with a coach before where we’ve worked and it’s all about you take the breath and you breathe in and you breathe in more and more and more because you realize it’s always a little bit more to just expand your body to quieten the mind. And so it’s not necessarily to not feel it. You totally go there, you go to the feeling place. But in doing so by going to the feeling place, you expand your body to not allow it to consume you. And I think that’s the thing with the feelings is by calling them in, not allowing them to be that, honoring them, you then allow them to consume you.
Dani: I love that so much. That is so beautiful. And you both mentioned space and space is so critical to have the space to allow the understanding, to allow the softness to allow the acceptance to allow the time and energy around something for it to kind of be what it is and so that it can dissipate or become smaller or whatever. One of the things, um, that, um, I think they talk about, you know, more in it, it’s more kind of the eastern concept or whatever is, you know, we’re very attached to our body, our ego, like all of that kind of stuff. And, when there is some kind of detachment, what you realize is that when we have a problem or an issue, we can make that problem or issue feel like it’s bigger than us, when in fact we are literally the space that allows all of this to come up and to be. It moves through us, um, all the time and it, and, and if we allow it to, it can, it can move through. But we sometimes we focus on this until it gets so big.
It feels like it’s bigger than us. But if we. But one of the phrases that I repeat sometimes when I am really overwhelmed or something like that is that, you know, I’m the space that this all comes up and it’s not bigger than me and sometimes it can feel so big, can feel like that cavern or that void where we just step in and fall. Grief is one of the things. Grief really is. I mean, if we look at the whole scale of emotions, grief is one thing that you can definitely fall into and feel like it is definitely bigger than you are. But um, you know, one of the things is I am the space. I’m the space that all this comes up in and just giving things and not trying to push down and resist and Oh, I need this to be different than what it is so that I can survive kind of thing. I really like that. Did you have anything with that Candace?
Candace: I really liked that. I just wrote it down because I’m going to save that and use that. But what came up as you were talking and I almost started laughing out loud. I, I contain myself, I, I kept those feelings, but so what I just realized is, so talking about that experience for me was really emotional and I was feeling like I was ready to cry and then I look at you and I see you’re ready to cry and I’m like, don’t you do it Dani and I squashed your feelings and I squashed my feelings, to like maintain some composure on this call. I just realized like we’re having this talk about letting yourself have the feelings and I’m squashing both of our feelings. How fantastic is that? It is so engrained and it didn’t even seem like anybody noticed because it’s just normal to be like, nope, we’re doing something serious here. You can’t cry. Keep your composure. don’t make me cry. Okay.
Natalie: Do as we say not as we do.
Dani: That was my dad. That was my dad’s whole parenting strategy right there. Do as I say, not as I do. No, we learn by your example. Sorry. Impossible. But, um, that was this whole parenting strategy right there. So yeah, thank you for that. That’s self awareness is such a beautiful thing is it’s so beautiful. We do those things. And the notice them, um, so yeah, so that’s awesome. So let’s talk about, you know, when things get, do get trapped like so we pushed them aside or we avoid them or whatever. And sometimes it’s so funny because we’ll have a numbing or avoidance strategy and we’d be like, oh that worked. I feel better. I’ve get this full of popcorn or I’ve got, I’m going online shopping or what we’re doing is right. Or like, oh that worked. Dodged that bullet. No, no, no, because I didn’t realize if it comes up and we don’t move through it, the only way out is through, right? Like that whole, that ancient wisdom like the only way out is through and when Natalie, when you’re talking about letting it go through you letting it move through you and we have to let it go. And so things that get trapped are things that we deny or pushed aside or numb or avoid. Right. And then they can get trapped. And one way I really like it gives me the good kind of understanding kind of how this works. Because so much of the stuff is, you know, you can’t see it. So how do you really know how it’s working?
But one analogy is that, emotion is energy in motion and when we deny, when we stop, when we stuff it down, when we tell ourselves when we invalidate it or disrespected. I shouldn’t be feeling this way, I’m not gonna allow myself to do this, you know, he’s not worth it. I’m not going to feel hurt and everything by him, you know, he’s gone or whatever. I’m just not going to allow myself whatever that is, that you’re not allowing yourself to feel any of it. It gets trapped in the body. So if energy, emotion is energy in motion, then we get it trapped. And then what we create is, is what we call a pain body. And I think that’s Eckhart Tolle term, but I don’t know, he’s, you know, you get this stuff from a lot of the eastern, you know, masters and stuff, so whatever. But that helps me. The pain body is the emotional stuff that’s trapped. And so one of the ways that we know we have this pain body is like we were just describing like a big powerful emotion comes up. We go into the body and we’re like, Oh holy crap, you know, there it is. Also we can be triggered by things which is kind of the same thing, but it occurs in a little bit different way. Right?
So we all know what triggers our emotional triggers are when something happens and what is happening in front of us isn’t the whole story because our mind and our emotional pain body is pulling up all the times that it’s happened before or other examples and it’s bringing all the emotion of all that history and all that stuff up into the now moment. So a lot of times we recognize we’re being triggered because something will happen. And on a scale of one to 10, it’s like a two and a half. Probably only our reaction is an eight or a nine or 10 or you know, some for some people you know, get overly emotional. But, but if you look at it objectively, like you’re like, okay, that’s it two and a half, or like I’ve even done with you guys before and I’m not going to say the specifics that there was this one time, it was so cute that I talk about myself as cute. Like, oh my gosh, look at her having a complete fit over something silly. So I had something and I was just like, can you, can you. And I held it up to you guys. I’m like, can you believe how annoying this is? Like look at this blatant, you know, Blah Blah Blah and drama queen and trying to get attention in this. Look at this nonsense. And you both had the same reaction, which was I’m sure a kind of. I kind of see what you’re talking about you guys.
Natalie: Wasn’t it even like… I don’t get it.
Candace: And then when you explained it a little bit. It’s like, oh, I kind of see that.
Dani: I know right…like so funny. I’m maybe getting triggered. It’s like, can you believe this? You know, this blaphamy, this, you know, this cool thing, this, this blatant disregard for decency or whatever. And um, you know, the people are like, no, I’m, maybe I’m missing something, maybe I’m missing something. Can you tell me what you’re talking about? That’s such a good, such a good way to know that you’re being triggered because sometimes you’re so oblivious, you don’t realize, oh, it’s all my own stuff. That is perfectly fine… it’s me over here. Reacting to what stories I made up and tied to my past. Um, you know, I just tied her to like every unrealised dream and like every thing in my life and needed this, you know, this situations fault it. So. But we get triggered and we get in these stories that half the time we don’t even realize it. You don’t even realize that a lot of times now sometimes, and you guys are pretty evolved and everything.
A lot of times we’ll notice it, oh look, I’m getting triggered. Like I did this, I do this, you know, I do a good job of noticing a lot of times, but sometimes when it’s really blatant, it’s really juicy stuff, you know? Um, I just don’t see it, but I don’t know. You guys have any, anything that you want to talk about it with triggers in real life or ever have one of those moments? I just looked at the clock. It’s 11:11 spirits. Like we got you girl. Okay. Thank you. Thanks for confirmation.
Natalie: I remember I remember that thing now and I’d completely forgotten about it and I feel like I’ve totally got the giggles just thinking around it because when you put like that, it’s just so funny. Like oh, it’s all my own shit!
Dani: Thanks for helping me realize that. Okay.
Natalie: I know that I’ve been there, like we had something where I completely lost it a couple of weeks ago because spirit gave me a message and I was just like &*%$£) you! I was totally like not happy. You know , and I knew. And Dani was like.. can I tune in and I said no I know it’s me. It’s all me and it’s funny because you know, it’s just. And you can just tell by the…. It’s like the acceleration. I think a trigger is when you go from like I’m doing okay too, like I am on the roof, like losing my shit. So it’s like, it’s kind of like if you’re unsure whether you are triggered… look at the acceleration rate and then that’s probably a good barometer. Is this legit? Or is just my own bullshit.
Dani: Thank you so much. I love that one. I love that. Did I just go zero to 60 in record time? I love that so much. That really helps and you don’t have to drag your friends into it to find out.
Candace: My favorite part though. Is it something like that Dani and you’re like “well that was cute”
Dani: I do. Because you know, because I feel like especially as a coach and as a person who’s like on this like transformational path, the tendency is to really get down on yourself. Like if you find yourself in your humanness getting triggered by someone who doesn’t mean anything at all, you know, like it’s nothing. You get mad at yourself. So my saying it’s cute is a way to laugh at myself instead of judging myself. Absolutely, absolutely. And it is cute and it’s like totally human. We’re all human and I’ve always told myself like, I’m not a jealous person at all, you know? And then you realize certain things, even even like a thing you like, hey, and then you realize there’s some jealousy, like who wants to look at that, you know, right. There is some of these other things that you don’t want to look at, but as soon as you do, there’s just, there’s just so much freedom. There’s so much freedom. And Oh, and you know, look at that. And Oh, that’s what I want to pull from that. That’s what I’m missing, that don’t feel like I have, but I, but it easily could. I can cultivate a little bit of that in myself and oh, wouldn’t it be, um, you know, great to do that. And Oh, I can already feel the vibe of it. Like, so it just transforms itself.
Here’s the thing, here’s the thing a lot of times is sometimes we see a trigger and what we want again, as being transformational. People’s like, oh, that’s a trigger. And then invalidate all the feelings. Like, oh, I’m not really feeling this about this. And then again to pull ourselves back in and invalidate it. Well, it’s not, it’s still not invalid. It’s still valid. So what it means is it doesn’t mean lash out at this person or for your friends to be like, oh, and join me in this bashing session. It doesn’t mean any of that. It means, it means look at it so that, um, you can just have a little bit of space, like, like the, the healing from it takes care of itself when we allow ourselves to just look at it. Just not to go in and say, oh, this is a trigger so I shouldn’t be feeling this way, or I don’t really feel this way.
Example, like I had something with my daughter and um, she was triggered and she has, she’s not a very strong independent woman. And part of the reason is because she had a very authoritarian father figure and there’s a rebellion. There was a rebellion. So, and it’s very natural. But now in her 20 year old life as a woman out in the world, when she comes across anyone kind of authoritarian or who wants to tell her no, do this even though it makes no sense because I said to a very big reaction and she’s like, like a lot of us is like, yeah, you tell me to do it. I’m going to do the opposite. We all have that to a certain extent. Right? She’s got it like full blown. So she was in a situation where this was happening and she was very, very triggered. And I said, well, let’s talk it through it. And after I’ve told you guys, I told you my kids have a right to feel other feelings. So anyway, I’m talking her through it and I’m like, well, did you think about this in terms of it being a trigger for you? And, and bringing up things from, from your childhood and stuff. And she’s like, Oh yeah, but that doesn’t mean it’s any, any less valid that I’m not going to do with this guy says. Even though I might have consequences to my grade or to my attendance at my, um, at her study abroad program, right, for missing a day when she hit the details don’t matter, but, but there would have been a consequence for her personally by basically telling this guy I don’t think so. Not going to do it. And um, but so it was funny because in my mind I was like, oh, you see it’s a trigger.
In other words, now you can conform was kind of in my mind where I was naturally going. And she’s like, yeah, I see it as a trigger and I’m still not freaking doing it. Which I applaud like how many times our kids teach us stuff, right? They teach us stuff all the time and their mirrors and everything, but it was just so great because it’s like, yeah, just, just because it’s a trigger though doesn’t mean it’s invalid. It’s basically what she’s saying and I’m like, you’re good. Like, that’s awesome. And she was still able to feel it and recognize it as a trigger at the same time. And that’s like the healing of it is like, yeah, I recognize it and I’m going to feel it and I’m feeling all these things and there’s also a gift there. Um, that doesn’t mean it completely goes away, but it means we don’t have to attach so much to it or we don’t have to. Like sometimes when we’re triggered we have that automatic reaction or whatever to turn away from it or act a certain way or whatever. We can feel the feelings and then act from a place of, yeah, I recognize that and now I’m free and I have the space to act however I choose to act and not be like the pinball in the machine. Just being on bundling, bundling, you know, hit around and everybody else’s mercy. I don’t know. Does that make sense?
Candace: Yes. Yes, that makes sense.
Dani: Okay. I feel like I kind of went around the….
Candace: No, I’m just thinking about everything that you just said. And this is the first time that I’m really thinking about the fact that just because it’s a trigger doesn’t mean that it’s invalid. Because I do think that even in that experience where there was, you know, whether it was jealousy or whatever it was with your girl there, I’m not your daughter, when you came to us. I think even in that moment it was more like, oh, I’m just being silly. Yeah. That’s like the Go To and I know that I do the same thing too. It’s if I realize something, there’s a much deeper root cause that’s triggering this grandiose emotion in the moment. I’m like, I don’t go in and feel the feeling. I just disregard it.
Oh well that’s not applicable then because it’s a trigger. I’m going to have this whole new outlook when things come up of going and sitting with it and being like, yeah, I feel jealous, or yeah, I feel angry, or yeah, I feel irritated or frustrated or whatever it is, and still experiencing it, feeling it and letting it flow through. Whereas up until now I just pushed it away and even trying to do like the transformational thing in. Yes, it’s a trip, you know, going through that whole process and yet still essentially holding onto it. Right. Because if you don’t go in and really feel it doesn’t necessarily release and so it’s still kinda there. So anyway, that’s what I was just processing all of the, as as we’re talking. So yes, it all made sense.
Dani: Good.
Natalie: I think there’s also like to, to your level, so you don’t diminish it just because you feel that. I totally agree with that. But then there’s also like if you’re getting triggered, it’s really an opportunity to look at it, look at why you’re getting triggered. So don’t just go, oh, it’s a trigger and I can see your daughter, you know, being like that. But I like what, what would be great is one day for you to live life and still make the choice not to do what that person says, if that’s the choice you want to make, but to do that from a place of empowerment rather than a place of, oh, I’m triggered, I’m doing it. And even if you know it, but like you could, you could actually heal it so that those people don’t trick you. You don’t have to get to that point. Like look at what it’s trying to tell you, look at what showing you about yourself and then work on that so that then you don’t have to be triggered. Like I think I think the triggers are really an opportunity to show you something about yourself that you’re not aware of, something that you’re holding onto and then allow yourself to release that. So it’s both feeling, feeling the feeling that the trigger brings about, but then also diving into not really allowing that to happen in the future because, you know,
Dani: I love that. I love that. So, so if we look at, this brings us beautifully into the next thing, which you really is, that triggers and in fact all feelings are like little messengers. They’re messengers, they have messages for us, they have gifts for us. So that’s the question really is what is the gift here? What is coming up for me to, for me to see? And I’m not so that I don’t have to feel it, but I can feel it. And they’d be like, okay, great. Well, this obviously wanted to come up and it was so funny because I was doing a thing last night because of course I got triggered after I decided that the topic for today would be feeling feelings and being triggered. So of course less when they get triggered, it doesn’t matter what it was about. And I was like, oh. So I was like, okay, this will be for the topic, like what am I going to do? Oh my gosh, I look, of course I got triggered. How beautiful is that? And I was like, okay, well what are we going to do?
And I’m like, oh, I’m feeling like Blah Blah Blah. Just like lashing out. I’m like, okay, I’ll just do a visualization. I’m just, I’m just really lashing out and tearing down the situation, you know, and just really like graphically. And then it got to the point where it was so much that it just got silly and then I’m like giggling. I’m like, okay, the anger has been worked through like that. That little cloud has been worked through and now what else is here? Oh um, oh, I noticed this and Oh, I noticed that, but it’s like, it just, it really does just happen naturally and like, you’re so acute, Natalie, it’s not like it’s not like going in like, oh, this isn’t valid because it’s a trigger, but what gift is here for me? What is this pulling up and what? Is there a missing? I feel like I’m denying myself or, or is there a fear? There’s usually always a fear. I feel like a lot of times, you know, when I get triggered it, it might be like political stuff and things like that. So I had, I tend to kind of pull myself back from a lot of political stuff because I get triggered then I get irritated and then I’m no good to anybody. I keep on walking around, irritated, like I’m really clear. Like my gift is my light and my gift is not my irritation, my gift is not my, um, you righteousness or righteous indignation, you know, those are not, you know, wonderful things to spread into, you know, elevate the planet or anything like that. They’re valid. I can feel them, but I don’t need to involve anybody else in my feeling of them.
So anyway. Yes. So I don’t know, to kind of sum up, I kind of feel like this, this topic has been pretty well explored so we feel a trigger and we and we allow ourselves to feel it and we don’t discount it right away and, and, but we don’t necessarily have to direct it at the thing that we think is the problem, the political discussion or the whatever that happens to be. Right. We don’t, it doesn’t mean I have to go on facebook and argue with that person who is so clearly wrong. Don’t have to give them a piece of my mind. I don’t have to set them straight. I don’t have to share my righteous indignation. Like I don’t have to do that step to heal it. Um, I can notice it and, and actually like send them love because Lord knows they need it, you know, even that have been so funny. Like Lord knows they need it. Clearly a bad idea because like, I know better, right? Like, we all do that. But anyway, just laughing at myself, but so yes, to not invalidate but also not to necessarily have that initial reaction kneejerk reaction, but just to sit with it a little bit like you were even saying with the, with the strong emotion. Sit with that a little bit. The triggers, the same thing. Sit with a little bit. What’s the gift? What’s trying to come up? Can I allow myself to feel it? And then once you feel it, then I feel like the gifts are easier to get. Once you’ve worked through that big initial spike of emotion, then kind of the gifts come trickling, trickling in. Seriously. Oh, I’m afraid. Like I think that can affect me or I think that people are hurting and I need to do something or whatever that is. That, that triggers in your mind like that, that you, that you understand is more the root cause of what’s got you so upset.
Candace: I think you said previously it wasn’t on here. So I will reach out to the best of my ability. But when things come up like that and you’re trying to find the root cause you had said, um, when have I felt this before and then when was the first time that I felt this, those questions can help you. So you know, here’s the trigger. We feel the feelings and then dive deeper with the questions to find that root cause. Yeah, I think so much candice. Yeah, I love that. I love that. And I love asking those questions. And it’s funny because, um, I think sometimes people who were into like the past life stuff will actually like, I know I had a teacher one time which is like, you know, the first time I felt that and she was like, you know, so many lifetimes ago, some ancient time because we just keep, you know, and we’ve done that. Go back to the podcast on past life regression.
Natalie: Last weeks episode.
Candace: Is that only last week’s episode? Wow.
Dani: So, um, yeah, so make sure you go back and check that out. But um, but I’ve even had answers like in the womb, in the womb before I was born, um, and I saw it all, you know, dark and hearing mom’s heartbeat, right? Like, you know, stuff, but it’s amazing if you kind of talked to it and like have a little conversation like you are the space and like it has gifts for you and it has conversation can kind of help even if it’s kind of in your mind, you know, talking to it. But um, but yeah, that can help. And thank you so much for bringing that in. Candace, Natalie, any kind of final thoughts from you?
Natalie: I don’t think so. I think that was a very interesting conversation. I guess the only thing that came up for me is obviously we’re talking here about emotional triggers that will make them light of it. Um, but I was, I suffered from ptsd because people might not know, but I suffer from ptsd while ago and they’re like, obviously significant triggers here. So I don’t want anyone to be offended by the way we’re talking about triggers. This is more kind of a day to day things that cause triggers such a strong word. I think maybe it can be, can be kind of overused and used for things like, you know, we’re laughing about the situation with Dani and you know, that’s not necessarily a trigger in the, in the real sense. So I just didn’t want anyone to kind of take offense by that side of things. And I think this is just more the day to day kind of triggers are not serious triggers and ptsd.
Dani: Yeah, absolutely. Thank you so much Natalie for bringing that in. I think um, yeah, we’re all just kind of sitting here, especially me with these blinders of just our own experience, you know, and not with whatever everybody else in the world is going through, which is a like have a lot of shit usually. Um, so thank you so much for bringing that in and we’d never want to be disrespectful to anyone in this is just for if it resonates with you and like this can help then great. And if it doesn’t, the last thing we would want to do would be to offend or to make anyone feel like we’re making light of anything that is a big a big thing. So thank you so much for bringing in that more sensitive global kind of perspective on things to help us
Natalie: Sorry to be a Debbie Downer
Candace: No not at at all.
Natalie: I think that the conversation still is really helpful because that was kind of relaying it to me as we were speaking.
Dani: I was relaying it to my experience and it’s like, well it’s still really helpful from that like acceleration point of view, so like you know, to go from here to here and was that it can, it can maybe help you get into the present moment and go with this real like is this something that I really need to feel right now or is this fear or a trigger. It helps you really just, you know, I know it’s a different place. I still think it was really helpful, but I just know that we were very kind of like lighthearted and laughing about it and so I just wanted to bring that perspective to say, you know, we recognize that not all triggers is it just a barrel of laughs and something to make fun of .
Candace: Absolutely, I mean for the word trigger specifically. I mean I used to only attribute it to serious situations, you know, highly traumatic situations and being triggered by or maybe drug addiction. That’s the only other place that I really used the word trigger, but now it’s sort of become the spiritual norm where everybody’s using it and so it’s kind of watered down so it doesn’t have the same impact for me, so I hadn’t even thought of that, so I’m really glad that you brought it up.
Natalie: Thank you.
Dani: Okay, love you girls.
Candace: Love you!